I really missed Noah today. This was my tenth Father's Day as a father and I didn't get to talk to my eldest son again. I don't remember the last time I talked to Noah on Father's Day. It is really hard knowing that I have a son that doesn't even really know me as a father. I know that he calls me daddy when I talk to him and on the occasions that I get to see him, which seem to be coming less and less lately, but in the last 6 years I have really only seen him about 20 times. It's not for lack of trying. I have tried everything that I knnow to see him more often except going back to court. I haven't wanted to do that, because I didn't want to drag him through that, but it has finally come down to that or never getting to see him at all.
I have remarried and had another son since Noah's mom and I divorced. Charlie is Noah's little brother. It is a joy to have one of my children with me on Father's Day, but I am not just his father. I am Noah's father too, and that is supposed to mean something. I want to be a good father to my children, both of them. It is really hard to be a good father when you show up every now and again, spend a couple of days on a weekend playing and having fun, and then disappear again for an indeterminate amount of time. I hate the situation as it stands because I so want to be a good father to Noah, and I feel like I am not able to do that right now. Maybe I will get to talk to him later on this week.
I love him and I miss him a lot. I know I have missed so much. Everyday is another one gone that we will never get back in out relationship. I hope to rememdy that soon.
It is after midnight and I need to go to bed. I'll write more later.
